I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
