I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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