I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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