for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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