i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm having to shit out rocks
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