After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
