I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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