my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
BRING THE BAGELS
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
