On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
