I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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