I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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