Already got asked if we're dating
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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