the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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