News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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