You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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