Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
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I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
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All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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