No stitches, just platelets and will power
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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