Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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