apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
