Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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