I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
