I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
