pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I enjoy the company of your penis
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
