My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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