I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
