One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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