Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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