How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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