This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
