Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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