Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
