Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
