If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
