If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
