did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
