4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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