I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
