I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
