worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
