First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
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Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
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Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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