I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
