He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It's never too late to be topless.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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