The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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