On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
