after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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