we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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