We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
