my phone needs a breathalizer
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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