Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
