mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
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