yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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