He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
