I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
